I'm feeling a tad chilly today

...with a slight pinch of warmth.

Woke up to the sound of my alarm this morning at 6.30. I had almost forgotten; this morning was the day my family drives off to dominate Mount KK, but of course leaving me and Mama Bear at home to 'miss out on all the fun', they like to call it. Aaah.. I absolutely cannot wait to see them come home with aches and what not. The joke'll be on them.

It took ages until I finally got out of bed. Uncombed, Unbrushed and Unhappy, I managed to stumble down the stairs, but only to find that nobody had woken up yet. But of course my Chipsies, who never fails to wait for me. I should've known better. My family has a tendancy of being late for everything. Except for Mama. She always complains about our disorganization. It drives us nuts, because her nagging never does any good. Yet it is a women's instinct to carry on and on about the same thing; just placed in different context each time.

I had waited downstairs with my Chipsies for half an hour until I finally dozed off. I had placed myself in such awkward positions just so I wouldn't do so, but yet again I had failed my words. I was convinced I'd wake up. Then when I finally did, it was 2 hours later, and I had missed seeing them off. Damn! I should've known better again, my family also has a tendancy of being grumpy whenever we've been called up, so we've come to realize that they're better off sleeping anyway. I had once again, disappointed myself!

I'm so sick of disappointing myself. I have to say that, being the youngest in the family was rather enjoyable.. for the first few years of my life. Then I had started to realize that despite all the love and kisses I have gotten, they were all little steps that were slowly keading me into being a young spoilt teenage girl. It definately isn't anything to be proud about. Convinced I'd shoot up one day from my little sprout, from the way things are going at the moment, the idea of that is a little vague. When I say sprout, I mean being taken seriously in the family.

Being the youngest in the family, I have figured that it'd be a little more challenging to be taken more seriously. That I will have to try even harder to prove myself towards them. It's a constant strive to be better than my siblings, everyone gets that with their siblings. I often find myself comparing my actions to theirs. Their attention span with me is of the size of a pencil, sometimes it's a little hard to communicate with them. It is perhaps our age differences, their wit and inteligence is far off my scale, but this is why I love talking to them.

I feel that my behavior towards everything has come through family events. My self-consciousness had come from such a young age. 1996, a hash activity was taking place and I remember walking down the stairs with the only uniform we had left, an oversized shirt that had draped over me like a blanket. My father and siblings had laughed so hard at me when I had reached the bottom of the stairs. It was tears and sobs from then on. Thing is, I remember being humialated at such a young age, I still don't understand why. I like to describe that event as a mad nightmare, and I still remember it as one. It was like walking down through curtains and lights, then I had been plonked onto center stage only to find myself surrounded by laughing mad cows. Massive humiliation infestation.

Often my brother forgets that respect begets respect. A decent conversation with him is rare, they'd probably be moments of him smiling or when he's not in his usual 'mmph' mood. So I find it easier to talk to him a day or two after he comes back.

Recent catch up's with my English Novel 'Things Fall Apart' helps. I've been reading outside lately, I have only just started to realize the beauty of nature, and reading outside relaxes me well. Through the good of it all, there is somewehre in my house an army of mosquitos which has been planning an assasination of my whole family. They wil one day kill us all with their blood sucking snouts. I dream that one day I'll find them and kill them all with a single kick.

Aaah.. Tis' the season to be jolly! As for the tad chilly-ness, It is that time of year again. Not to worry! Brunei hasn't decided to snow yet, or have any christmas spirit whatsover to that matter, but it is this time of year where I like to pretend that it is snowing. Too many, December is the month to enjoy the spirit of giving. Spend time with their family and friends, singing Christmas Carols and puting up Christmas trees. I've always had a picture in my mind that Christmas is when everything brightens up, songs and jolly people flood the streets, and of course I've always wanted snow. But when you grow up here, you come to realize that Christmas in Brunei is like Summer in Alaska.

My Decembers are always hectic. It is when last minute gift shoppings are done, and my Christmas's... not so Christmasey indeed. My fantasies about my perfect Christmas spent are always crushed by last minute plans for dinner and disappointing gifts I have bought for people. Never have I ever reached my expectations of gifts I should've given others. This year isn't lookin too good, my budget box has a limit of about 50 dollars, perhaps I will plant a vegetable garden for my parents. Though I have to say.. Not so easy when you share the same garden.

I better get to bed, I have a whole dream list lined up. I'll dream of climbing Mount KK with Papa and my siblings. I'll dream that I will be treated more maturely in my family, and I'll also dream that Brunei will snow, and Christmas will show. I'll dream of exploring space and beyond. It's a wild thought, but a thought which one day will come through. Trust me, NASA's working with me. In my dreams. Of course.